I’m a rodeo clown by trade and my way of making a living takes me on the road several times throughout the year. I go from town to town with the circus. My parents were trapeze artists – no, wait, Batman’s parents were trapeze artists. That’s how Bruce Wayne ended up with Alfred taking care of him. Alfred was a cross between a father figure and a maid. That would be awesome to be so rich that you had your own butler. Alas, I digress.
Where was I? Oh yes, many nights I’m away from home. I don’t get into any trouble. I’m just a working stiff doing his job. It’s a living. I suppose I could be pushing a pencil while sitting behind a desk. But I like to get dirty while I’m making my money. I never have to go to the gym. My work keeps me in top physical condition. I don’t even drink alcohol so you won’t catch me handing out flasks for groomsmen gifts before my upcoming wedding in November.
I’m not so sure we’re going to have a wedding this November. We just got engaged on Valentine’s Day. I guess I was caught up in the romantic moment. She’d been dropping hints ever since Christmas. I think she wanted me to ask her to marry her on Christmas or New Year’s Eve. You’d think I would have seen that one coming from a mile away. But no, I’m not very good at girlspeak or the lack thereof. If you want to tell me something or get me to do something, you’ve got to say the words. I cannot guess what is in that pretty little head of yours. Don’t beat around the bush. Say it! I don’t have extra sensory perception or mind reading abilities or anything like that.
A fantastic group of guys work in the rodeo. We’re like a big band of brothers. We’ve known each other for years. We all get together, work together, travel together and then go home to our real families. My girl, Melissa, was real attracted to me in my cowboy gear, even though I was a cowboy clown. Initially the raw, physical work and close contact with powerful animals turned her on. I guess that was what it was. I’m a pretty simple guy, in general. But it wasn’t long before she started to complain about me being gone so many nights.
“It’s not right for a girl like me to sit home alone so much”, she’d say. Or, my favorite, “It’s time you got a real job, a grownup man’s job. A job where you can support a wife and kids.” Here’s another one “You’re marrying up. I have a PhD and you’re a clown.” Hey, I’m proud of my job. I love every minute of it. Maybe I’m marrying too soon. I suggested we have a long engagement to make sure she’s the one for me. Or, perhaps, that I’m the one that will fulfill her dreams. We need to talk more about what we both want out of life and our futures.
We just started our wedding planning after getting a few free wedding catalogs in the mail. There sure is a lot to consider – guest books, ring pillows, invitations, cake decorations, bridesmaid gifts and groomsmen gifts. It’s supposed to be a joyous time but I just feel stressed. Then, she snapped at me: “Here! Get these engraved multitools for your groomsmen so I don’t have to worry about you forgetting to do it!” as she threw the wedding catalog at my feet.
That one really burned me up. I mean, come on, that’s downright disrespectful. Then, after I gave her back a snotty “yes, dear” she said, “Fine. Maybe you should go sleep at the clown tent tonight and not come home tomorrow.” That’s darn low, baby. Tomorrow is my birthday and you’re telling me not to come home. I won’t. And I won’t buy my groomsmen gifts right now so you don’t need to give me any groomsmen gift ideas. I’ve got a few other ideas that I’m going to be thinking of. I’ve got some thinking about the rest of my life. You’re not the right gal for me. My momma never screamed at my dad. She was a gem. In my next relationship, I’m going to look for a sweetheart that is nice. Beautiful on the outside isn’t enough. My next girl is doing to have a heart of gold and have a pleasant disposition, not just a beautiful body.